If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
these two trucks have the same bed length
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee