We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa