I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
You Might Also Like
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Pikachu found the lost joint
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
happy friday
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos