They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
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Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Shortcut
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”