24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
You Might Also Like
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If you want my opinion ask my wife
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*