There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.