Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.