There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.