Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*