Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…