People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”