Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.