Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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Big Sex has us all fooled
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
OH. COME. ON.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.