Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
buying dead houseplants to save time
cyclists
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.