Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
how long have you had this for?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?