So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I think this should do it.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”