5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.