*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here