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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog