Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Peace was never an option
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Seek kebab; not attention
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal