What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
You Might Also Like
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?