My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there