He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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This kid is going places
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef