Peace was never an option
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Bread puns are on the rise!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.