Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.