Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.