It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
It’s the weekend y’all
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s