@DanMentos [Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
@TheBoydP God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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@DanMentos 
@kelkulus Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
@Thateverydayguy One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
@dril list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
@StupiDucker Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
@sucittaM If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
@meantomyself Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
@Scigglez GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
@a_simpl_man My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
@pixelatedboat Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake