God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year