in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
They got a point!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?