in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
In space, no one can hear…
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Basically.
