Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You Might Also Like
In banana years, I am bread.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
i did the math
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.