I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”