Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*