What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
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me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.