At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
This meeting could have been a cake
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues