10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
You Might Also Like
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’