I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
🤣
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
