I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money