I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches