“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
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Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.