You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
got so much cardio in today
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
why am I working on Labor Day
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.