“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Just a friendly reminder!
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs