Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Ah yes. The three genders
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”