I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*