Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.