smh
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I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[shakes fist at other fist]
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
You are what you delete.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist