No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My work here is don’t.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila