Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
cat vs inanimate object
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it