“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what