Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?