Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
remember
only for emergencies
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.