If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 馃あ
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Turns out my toddler鈥檚 only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we鈥檝e entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou鈥檝e been hit by
You鈥檝e been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
How do you like your Corgi?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he鈥檚 mainlining that panera lemonade
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it鈥檚 when he鈥檚 already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that鈥檚 both on fire and covered in spikes. and it鈥檚 like yeah man that makes sense
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.