In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
You Might Also Like
Self-cleaning conscience
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message